I am tired, so tired. The tears have streaked my face and clogged my eyes. The burdens are great and only God is keeping me on my feet. The burdens of life are so great. It is very late at night, TJ and the older boys are in bed exhausted from being at the hospital all day. The house is totally quiet and dark. I sit here in front of this laptop typing these words and wonder if they will ever find their way to your heart. Whether they reach their target or not I must type, only in the typing can I release the pain.
I flash back to earlier today when I had to hold my struggling boy as a needle was forced up his leg so that more blood could be drawn, to find what is wrong with his little body. He has no idea that his screaming pain is in my heart. That it sits here like a hot leaden mass, searing the very soul of me. The betrayal in his eyes will be long in leaving my dreams. Is he mature enough to understand what trust means? That what was done to him today, while painful, was in his best interests? Are any of us?
I think about the burdens I bear and wonder. A disabled wife, a mentally challenged adult son, a gay adult son, a bi-polar teenage son and a sick little boy. A job that is challenging for a Christian to work in and a culture that considers Christianity as a social club.
I know that God is working something in me but can I go on? How much more pain can one man take? Can I trust that God can keep me? Look at what he allowed to happen to Job. He lost everything that would matter to a man, his friends betrayed his trust and even his wife turned against him then left him. Everything that I thought was important in my life is being turned upside down. How can this be God's purpose in my life. What purpose is served by what I am going through?
I was told that I didn't need to be in there holding him, but I had to be, he needed to know that even in his pain he was loved. Do you think that might be the real reason behind why Jesus was born? Do you think that maybe God setup the salvation plan in such a way that he could come down here and show us he loved us, hold us while he allowed us to be hurt, whispering in our ear that we don't understand now but he loves us.
I believe God, help me in my unbelief.
I flash back to earlier today when I had to hold my struggling boy as a needle was forced up his leg so that more blood could be drawn, to find what is wrong with his little body. He has no idea that his screaming pain is in my heart. That it sits here like a hot leaden mass, searing the very soul of me. The betrayal in his eyes will be long in leaving my dreams. Is he mature enough to understand what trust means? That what was done to him today, while painful, was in his best interests? Are any of us?
I think about the burdens I bear and wonder. A disabled wife, a mentally challenged adult son, a gay adult son, a bi-polar teenage son and a sick little boy. A job that is challenging for a Christian to work in and a culture that considers Christianity as a social club.
I know that God is working something in me but can I go on? How much more pain can one man take? Can I trust that God can keep me? Look at what he allowed to happen to Job. He lost everything that would matter to a man, his friends betrayed his trust and even his wife turned against him then left him. Everything that I thought was important in my life is being turned upside down. How can this be God's purpose in my life. What purpose is served by what I am going through?
I was told that I didn't need to be in there holding him, but I had to be, he needed to know that even in his pain he was loved. Do you think that might be the real reason behind why Jesus was born? Do you think that maybe God setup the salvation plan in such a way that he could come down here and show us he loved us, hold us while he allowed us to be hurt, whispering in our ear that we don't understand now but he loves us.
I believe God, help me in my unbelief.
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